I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
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