We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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