Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
