Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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