he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
