you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
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