The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
