There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
no more duck duck goose at the bar
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
