now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Randomize
