Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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