Who wears a wallet chain?!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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