is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
