who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize