dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
