while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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