now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize