guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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