all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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