i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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