If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
