Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
