Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Im part way to drunk.
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
