im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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