I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
