dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
