Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
