You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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