We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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