i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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