I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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