It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
