Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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