I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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