You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
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