First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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