My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
