he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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