My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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