so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
