Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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