Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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