I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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