Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
i think i just lost a toe
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Randomize
