he told me I talked like a deaf person
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
