I feel like abortions should bother me more
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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