Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
