Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
where am i from again
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize