im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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