So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
