I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize