good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I will pee on everything he values.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
