another moral hangover. fuck.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Randomize
