I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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