guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
