All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Randomize
